Britain is Repossessing the USA

I received the following e-mail today from a friend in Australia; supposedly, the original was written by John Cleese.

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise".

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen".

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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Holden Monaro's are also approved.

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8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

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10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call "French fries" are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling "potato chips" are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also a British Colony, see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnu's Urine", so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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13. You will cease playing "American" football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby; the Aussies and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

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14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only he can.

John Cleese

Sphere: Related Content

One Comment on the Latest US Massacre

One article I read, which mentioned that the issue of gun control may arise yet again, had a quote from a pro-gun organisation saying that if everyone had been armed, the shooter would have been stopped at the beginning of his rampage and fatalities would have been far less. While that's probably true, the guy should not have had a gun in the first place.

In Australia, about 10 years ago, a mentally deranged guy shot and killed more than 30 people at a tourist park in Tasmania. The country was horrified, just like in the US.

Unlike the US, the Australian government immediately implemented a real gun control act, and instituted a gun buy-back scheme. A few farmers and hunters immediately wrapped their oiled AK-47s in plastic and buried them, but thousands and thousands of guns were taken off the street and crushed.

Guns are not outlawed in Australia; they can still be bought, but you need a permit and you have to take a safety test. But it is a fact that crimes involving guns have been reduced.

However, there is a large and growing violent criminal element in Australia, especially in the suburbs of Sydney and Melbourne. Most of these criminals appear to be young men from SE Asia (principally Vietnam), Arab countries (Lebanon and Syria), and the Balkans. They form gangs of men of the same nationality; these people seem to have no problem whatsoever getting guns and having shootouts.

When my wife and I sold everything and left Canada in 93, one of the eastern US states passed a gun control law just before we left Ottawa. That law prevented anyone from buying more than 5 hand guns in a week. That's the American idea of gun control. Sphere: Related Content

Worth Looking At

Predictions of the Year 2000
from The Ladies Home Journal of December 1900

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Busy Lately

I haven't posted much lately, mostly because I am running out of time. I ran out of money many months ago, and have been borrowing money from a bank in Canada to keep me and Thai Culture Publishing afloat. It's a new company and isn't profitable yet. I figured it would take a year.

Things weren't helped by one of the founders deciding her ex-boyfriend needed money more than the company did and embezzling more than 50,000 baht. What hurts is that I treated this girl as a daughter, as she was pregnant, and didn't want to tell her aged father. I gave her free room and board for three months, bought her a baby bed and other baby needs, and generally acted as her substitute father, and she paid me back by stealing money. "No good deed shall remain unpunished" is very true.

She also hurt the start-up of Thai Culture Publishing, as she did this in the first few months after the company was formed last July. We lost three months as well as the money. We started over again in September, with a new partnership, and had to pay the start-up expenses all over again, including new CDs and new packaging.

The good news is that the new Managing Director, Kanokporn Boonjan, has proved to be an excellent choice: highly motivated, eager to make this a success, and good at marketing besides. The company is a limited partnership, owned by three Thai people; I am neither a shareholder nor partner, I am merely their mentor: Ajarn Doug

In any case, I have to return to Canada and get a job somewhere, anywhere, just to make some money to pay down the bank loan and continue supporting the company until it's on its feet. The company is making progress; they have sold more than 500 CDs now, but have only been paid for 60 or 70 because the big book distributors here act like elephants on the sidewalk, treating small suppliers very badly. Thai Culture Publishing is coming close to breaking even this month (April), and may break even or make a small profit in May.

So around May 8 or so, I will be on my way back to Ottawa, a 36 hour trip, which I will probably break up with a couple of hotel stays in Seoul and Vancouver.

In the meantime, I have pretty much abandoned Thai software development, and have been working feverishly, 18 hours a day, on web sites and Internet marketing. The Thai Culture Publishing site now has half a dozen products listed. I have also set up an Alzheimer's site, an eBooks site, and a Windows Stupidities site, all of which will hopefully generate some additional income in the long run.

In the short run, I have been experimenting with various advertising and promotional techniques to try and generate some immediate cash, but so far I have spent a lot of money for very little gain. Sigh.

This is a particularly stupid time to leave as we are finishing the development of Speak Easy Isaan Lao and Tricky Dictionary Thingy. The goal is to get these out the door before I go, but I am not sure that's possible. If the book distributors take these up, they will generate money 4 or 5 months from now.

I have repackaged Speak Easy Thai into a subset, about 120MB, that can be downloaded as a free trial. As of today, 68 people have downloaded the trial. One person subsequently unsubscribed from the mailing list. I sent out an e-mail suggesting people donate US$25 to get the bonus files; one person did, and 66 people didn't. So what does that mean?

The program works but is crippled without the extra sound files and images. So either people aren't using it, or found it too complicated, or aren't motivated enough about learning Thai to actually pay money to do it. Sigh. If 20 people had donated, I could have paid the bank this month and would not have had to return to Canada. Such is life. Sphere: Related Content

Alzheimer's

The mother of a friend died recently, quite suddenly, after taking medicine to improve her memory, as she was suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. My own mother will be 90 in mid-May, and is becoming forgetful herself.

So these two things suddenly motivated me and I spent 4 or 5 days creating an Alzheimer's web site. You can see it here.

At the moment, it's mostly a framework, with only a small amount of content, but I will add to it over the next year or so. I spent a lot of time researching Alzheimer's drugs, which I knew nothing about a week ago, and compiled a comprehensive chart. However, it was too complicated. So I simplified it down to what you now see on the web site, with links to the manufacturer's or distributor's information. Sphere: Related Content

Thailand Travel Dictionary

I met with a Belgian named Yves Masure yesterday, along with Kanokporn Boonjan, the Managing Director of Thai Culture Publishing. Yves has been working on an encyclopedic reference or guide to Thailand and Thai culture for 9 years, and produced a CD-ROM and web site called THAILEX. It's now in its fourth incarnation.

Yves demonstrated his CD; it's pretty good, very impressive, has lots of stuff I not only didn't know, but have never heard of.

The information is primarily arranged like a dictionary or encyclopedia, in alphabetical order. There are several indexes, including a photo index. There are hundreds of photos.

But here's the kicker: there are actually 3 guides on the same CD, as he has the same information in English, Dutch, and Thai. Yves is fluent in Thai and did all the translation himself. So if you have a Thai partner, both can make use of the CD.

Kanokporn and Yves came to an agreement, so Thai Culture Publishing is now acting as his agent to distribute the CD within Thailand and via the Internet to the world.

You can see it here. Sphere: Related Content

Names can be a problem in Sweden

I read on the BBC news site today about a family who named their child "Metallica", and had the name rejected by government authorities.

"The name Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 - pronounced Albin - was also rejected by authorities in 1996. The boy's parents had chosen the name as a protest against Swedish naming laws."

I dunno, I kind of like the name Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116. But the kid would probably never find his name on one of those name plaques you see in various stores. Our daughter, Inika, used to look for her name and never found hers either.

The article is here.

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Cane Toad Program in my old Neighbourhood in Australia

In Australia, cane toads are a problem. They were originally imported from Brazil and released in the north about 50 or 60 years ago, I think, to combat sugar cane beetle. The problem is, they contain two sacs behind the head which contain a poison deadly to just about everything. If a dog eats the cane toad, that toad dies, but so does the dog. Ditto with snakes, lizards, and most birds. One species of large black crow, however, has figured out that they can flip the cane toad over and rip its guts out and eat them. This is the only bird that can handle a cane toad. To a human, the cane toad poison is not deadly, but can make you very sick.

Cane toads eat smaller toads and frogs, fish, insects, etc. Maybe small snakes, too, I dunno. They tend to wipe out the local frog and normal toad population.

So cane toads have been breeding and breeding and breeding virtually with nothing stopping them. They look like regular warty toads, but much bigger. Recently a huge one weighing several pounds and more than a foot long was caught, so they are getting bigger, too.

They are gradually pushing down from the north, and have now reached Sydney.

Some people play “cane toad golf” when they find one, whacking it with a golf club. Some people douse them with a flammable substance, like BBQ starter, and have a cane toad bonfire. Many people, though, think those methods are too cruel. We just pushed it into a plastic bag, then tied the bag tight and stuck it in the freezer. You leave it overnight. The toad gets lethargic, then goes to sleep, then dies from hypothermia. Just like a Canadian in the wilderness. In the morning, you have a “toadsicle” or “toadcube” which you can toss in the rubbish.

They are in my former neighbourhood of Carindale in Brisbane, but one man there has started a “toad watch” and is doing something about it. Read about it here:
Courier Mail article Sphere: Related Content

One Reason I No Longer Live in Canada

Note from my brother that arrived today:

Today I had to take [my daughter] Joanna to Waterloo for an interview; it was snowy and really windy when we set out. Things weren't too bad, though, so we kept going.

Got to the Guelph area and got into some really bad white-out conditions and the highway we were on was closed. Got to Waterloo eventually, passing numerous accidents, rollovers, cars in ditch, etc.

Dropped off Joanna.

Now I am faced with driving back through the same conditions. Probably should have just stayed there in a motel, but same forecast for tomorrow and Highway 7 hadn't been too bad so I decided to change route and come back that way.

Got to Kitchener and heard that Highway 7 was closed plus about a million other roads, including all the major ones that lead to [my home in] Alliston. Whiteouts are getting worse, lasting for ten or fifteen seconds; nowhere to stop.

Eventually the inevitable happens and I end up in a snowbank in the middle of a whiteout; turns out I crossed the road and went off the left side. I was lucky no car was coming towards me or I would have had a head-on.

After some time standing in a howling blizzard, I was able to flag down a plow, and he called a towtruck. 75 minutes and $84 later, I was on my way, no damage to me or the car.

I am still two hours from home. I am in the middle of nowhere, you understand.

I decide to stop in Erin and get a motel. Can't -- roads leading there are closed.

So, by back roads, I inch my way to Orangeville, passing through more drift covered roads, spending 15 hair-raising minutes (except I don't have any to raise) on a farm road completely covered with ice, passing a jack-knifed tractor trailer (I stopped -- driver ok, help on the way).

Now I am only an hour from home but I know the roads better so the last part is pretty much uneventful. Left at 9, home at 3:10.

I consider myself very lucky indeed. Check out
this article Sphere: Related Content

Hong Kong Foot

I learned a new expression in Thai today: "Hong Kong Foot". Yes, that's the Thai; it refers to what we call in English, "Athlete's Foot", the fungus that grows between your toes. Apparently Athlete's Foot is a major problem in Thailand because practically everyone wears open rubber flip-flops, and there's water everywhere. But I never knew this was called "Hong Kong Foot" in Thai until today. Sphere: Related Content

Loving by the rules

The Culture Ministry [of Thailand] has launched the '10 Commandments of Love' in an attempt to prevent teenagers getting too carried away on Valentine's Day. They are:

1. Love with patience, so as not to become a premature parent

2. Truly love only one person

3. Love with mercy, trying not to hurt the one you love

4. Carefully love to avoid taking risks that might lead to contracting sexual diseases

5. Love with honour, waiting until the proper time to have sex

6. Love in accordance with custom

7. Love reasonably, not taking sexual advantage of your lover

8. Love permanently, without defaming the one you love

9. Love honestly, believing in your partner

10. Love with understanding, forgiveness and without anger

Culture Minister Khunying Khaisri Sri-aroon said the initiative followed research suggesting that teenagers have premature sex, more than one partner and live together without commitment. "The commandments remind them that real love does not mean sex," she said.

Dr Amornwit Nakhonthap, director of Ramjitti Institute, said society should allow teenagers the space to learn about loving, and the best way to persuade them to be morally upright was to rely on sensible pressure from their peers.

--The Nation 2007-02-12

I read elsewhere that some Thai people are upset that Valentine's Day is observed at all, because it is a western concept, not a part of Thai culture. But I personally have noticed that many Thais, both male and female, think it's a great idea, and do give gifts and/or flowers to their honey and to their boss and friends. It seems to be more of a "day of honour and respect" than a "day of love". Sphere: Related Content

A Frustrating Buddy

I have Buddy Broadband at my room, which requires a monthly top-up of 650 baht. I called their telephone line, and got a recording that gave several menu options. Eventually, I got to the Payment Options section, one of which is credit card. However, they don't actually allow you to enter a credit card number, they just tell you that you can do it. Not exactly useful.

They also say you can pay via the TV set (they offer IP TV) or the web site.

My IP-enabled TV just showed a screen with the words "Buddy Broadband", but would not do anything at all.

The web site did not respond, although every other site I tried did.

So I figured their web server was down and called their call centre. After a very long wait, a Thai girl who sounded like she was in her twenties, answered and asked me what my problem was.

I told her that I could not connect to the Buddy Broadband web site to pay my bill, but had no problem connecting to all other sites, like the BBC and CNN. I asked her if their web site was down.

She didn't give me a straight answer. Instead, she said, "Click on toon".

"What?" I asked.

"Click on toon."

"What's that?"

She said, "At de top of de skene, you haff fine, edit, few, favorite, and toon. Click on toon."

"Oh," I said, suddenly understanding, "you mean in Internet Explorer?"

"Yes," she said, "click on toon."

So I started up IE7, then clicked on Tools.

"Then click on Internet option."

Anyway, to make this shaggy dog story shorter, she walked me through clearing the Internet Explorer cache, cookies, etc. I told her I was using Firefox, and that I could access all web sites except Buddy's, but it seems she only knew how to do one thing. She obviously had very limited training.

Of course, after going through her gyrations, I still could not access the web site. I told her to tell her boss that the web server was down and someone should fix it, and then said goodbye.

Eight hours later, I tried again, the web site was back up, and I paid my bill.

I have had a similar experience with another Thai company, Thai Epay, which processes orders by credit card for Thai Culture Publishing. Poor training, little knowledge of anything, and relatively poor English skills or understanding of actual problems. It's frustrating for the customer, and gives a very poor impression of Thai expertise; it must also be frustrating for the poor call centre people, who must realise that they are giving poor service. Sphere: Related Content