New Model Railroading Site

I have been interested in model railroading since I was 7 or 8 years old. I have finally begun a new site about it, with some articles on how to build mountains, make trees and rock cuts, etc. The site is at http://www.model-railroading.org/ToyTrains/index.html Sphere: Related Content

New Dementia Site

I have added a section on Dementia to my Superior Health web site; this complements my Alzheimer site, which was established 8 months ago.

The new site is at http://www.Superior-Health.info/Dementia/

The Alzheimer site is at http://www.1-800-Alzheimers.org Sphere: Related Content

New Web Site - Learn Japanese Faster!

I haven't written much lately on this blog because I have been working on a new web site to help people learn Japanese faster. See Learn Japanese Faster!. It has more than 45 articles on various aspects of the Japanese language from people who have been there, done that, and have now written about it.

My Learn English Faster! web site is also doing well, with more than 275 people joining the student mailing list in 3 weeks, as well as 75 teachers joining the teachers mailing list. Sphere: Related Content

Some Thai Food Has Six Legs

Many people enjoy Thai food worldwide: spicy soups and salads, flavorful rice dishes are abundant. But in Thailand, fried or roasted insects and scorpions are also popular, readily available, and inexpensive.

Insects have traditionally been a rich source of protein, calories, vitamins, and minerals in the Northern Thailand diet. They are also prized as delicacies. In fact, it is unusual to find an insect which is not eaten in one form or another by local people. Among the most popular are:

• cicadas, locusts, mantises, crickets, and grasshoppers which are all deep fried and are rather crunchy;
• bamboo worms, which are also deep fried;
• giant water bugs, which are steamed; they are also ground into a paste with chili and eaten with sticky rice;
• weaver ants (red ants with a painful bite) and their eggs; sticky rice is dipped into a mixture of ants, eggs, and chili;
• dung beetles; which add a wholesome flavor to curries; however, many people will not eat them because they live in and on excrement.

In addition, Thai people will eat:

• the pupae of silk moths and other moths and butterflies; you must first remove the pupae from their cocoons, then boil them until soft with a pinch of salt, finally sautée them lightly;
• the larvae of wasps and bees; these are deep-fried;

and arachnids:

• poisonous scorpions, which are grilled;
• giant tarantulas, which are also grilled.

I haven't seen other spiders eaten, but I suspect if it moves, it's considered food somewhere.

Also, termites (large white ants) are grilled and their eggs are a delicacy used to make a flavorful soup.

Where I lived in Bangkok, Sukhumvit Soi 4, every night starting around 5:00 PM, there was a street vendor with half a dozen kinds of fried and grilled insects and scorpions; her customers were mainly the bar girls in the area. Every night she was quite busy as the girls consider these insects a tasty snack, and munch on them as frequently as Western people munch on potato chips.

The lady vendor does not speak any English, but will pose with her wares for a photograph if you give her a 20 baht (about 60 cents) tip. And if you’re brave, you could always buy a bag of deep fried bamboo worms…

Sphere: Related Content

Eating insects in Thailand

The BBC has a photo article on eating insects. I lived on Sukhumvit Soi 4; there was a street vendor there every evening selling fried insects. No, I never tried any. (shudder)

BBC article

Here's another interesting article about American entomologists visiting Khon Kaen and eating insects for the first time: Tastes Like Chicken?

And yet another article. This one was published in the New York Times. Sphere: Related Content

Some Thai Girls Aren't Girls

Anyone who has ever visited Thailand will know about the beauty of Thai women. In their twenties, they are striking. In their thirties, they are looking more mature, but still most are very attractive.

The women working in the ubiquitous bars and massage parlors of Bangkok, Pattaya, and Phuket are mostly former housewives, believe it or not, married but separated, with two kids they left back in their village with their mothers. Most are from Isaan, the North-East corner of Thailand, which has a large amount of poverty. Some are from other parts of the country, especially Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai, and a very few are from Bangkok or central Thailand.

But about 1 in 100 is not a female at all, but a "ladyboy", or katoey in Thai. Quite often, they appear more feminine than the real women. I have seen many a farang ogle and lust after a very sexy woman, not realizing that "she" is a "he".

Like the women, most ladyboys are from Isaan. I have talked to a few on a one to one basis, and asked them when they first knew they wanted to be a female. All said they knew at an early age, around 5 or 6 years old. They said they liked the female manner, didn’t like rough sports, were partial to art and music.

Katoeys are an accepted part of Thai culture, considered to be a third sex in Thailand. Several are movie stars and TV announcers. One is a national kick-boxing champion. You will find ladyboys everywhere, working as waiters, store clerks, hairdressers, couriers, etc.

In North America and Europe, a sex-change (also called a gender re-assignment) operation is considered to be a big deal, requiring many months of psychological counseling before the operation to make sure the person is committed to the change.

In Thailand, a sex change operation is quite common. There are several clinics and hospitals which perform it, and the cost is a fraction of what the western charge would be, typically US$5000-7000. Nevertheless, for a poor person from Isaan, $5000 is a huge amount of money.

There are three main areas in Bangkok where ladyboys are present in large numbers: Nana Entertainment Plaza (on Sukhumvit Soi 4), Patpong Road (off Silom), and Soi Cowboy (close to the intersection of Sukhumvit Road and Asoke Road, which has both BTS SkyTrain and MRT Subway stations).

At Nana, the majority of ladyboys are "pre-op", meaning they still have a penis. At Patpong and Soi Cowboy, most are "post-op", meaning they have had the operation to create a vagina. The operation involves cutting out a section of intestine, which will become the vagina. The penis is cut open and inserted into the intestinal tube; typically some of the scrotal sac is used to increase the length of the new vagina. The tip of the penis becomes the new clitoris, and is normally still sensitive after the procedure is finished and everything has healed. The ladyboys I talked to said they could still have an orgasm, but did not ejaculate.

Scar tissue is visible if the post-op ladyboy retains his/her public hair, but if it is shaved off, it is difficult to tell an artificially created vagina from the real thing.

However, this is typically not the end of the story in sex reassignment. The male body is typically larger than the female, even in Thailand, where many people seem to be 80% the size of western people. The ladyboy has to take hormones for a couple of years before the operation; these hormones help him grow breasts and reduce his facial and body hair growth. Thai men don't usually have much body hair, compared to Western men, but they do have some; hormones or another treatment are needed to reduce or eliminate it. However, hormones have a side effect of reducing the ability to ejaculate.

Males typically have a protruding Adam's apple, so that is yet another operation: it can be shaved by a surgeon to reduce or eliminate the protrusion. And many have electrolysis to eliminate body hair, especially in the armpits.

If you visit Nana Entertainment Plaza after 7PM (which is when it opens), you will find several hair-dressing establishments located on the decks that run around three sides of the structure. The ones at the front cater to the bar girls; the ones at the rear cater to ladyboys. You can watch some of the ladyboys preening and preparing their makeup.

Some of the bars are exclusively ladyboys. If you enter one such bar, you will find that most ladyboys are more than passable and some are strikingly beautiful. I don't think I have ever seen an ugly ladyboy.

As far as relationships go, ladyboys are just like Thai women. They want a long-term relationship, and they will try hard to make the relationship work. Many speak some English, but you really need a product like Speak Easy Thai to help you learn some basic Thai vocabulary. If you can communicate better, you have a much better chance of a lasting relationship.

A part of Bangkok's nightlife that should not be missed by any visitor, ladyboy cabaret shows are professionally done, with spectacular productions (lots of feathers and glitter, good music, and some comedy as well). You can see them at the Calypso Cabaret (Asia Hotel, Ratchathewi SkyTrain station), Golden Dome Cabaret (15 minute walk from Sutthisan subway station), and Mambo Cabaret in the former Washington Theater between Sukhumvit Soi 22 and 24. Sphere: Related Content

Learning Thai -- The Language of Crows

This morning, at dawn, I listened to the morning news delivered by a large, black crow in the tree next to my bedroom window. This crow has a very large vocabulary, and its language is tonal, like Thai. Although crows can make only one sound, which in English we transcribe as "caw", in fact it uses the same five tones as Thai.

The morning news lasted about ten minutes, with frequent pauses, which I took to be the pause between sentences or paragraphs. This crow used repetition and tones to create different words. Unlike Thai, which only duplicates a word to indicate a generic plural, the crow would issue as many as five identical caws quickly, then pause slightly. I took the five caws to be one word or phrase.

Thai uses five tones: low, middle, high, rising, and falling. The crow used the same tones. There was clearly a "caw?" and a "caw!", which were quite distinct from the other three caws: low caw, middle caw, and high caw.

As far as I could tell, the crow did not repeat itself during the ten minute news announcement. I could not hear any answering crow, so I took this as general broadcast news, as opposed to "hey, I'm looking for a mate!".

In Thailand, 20 years ago, I lived at JB Mansion on Phaholyothin Road, Soi 3. I often went into the pool, but I had to wait until sunset, as I have fair skin and burn easily. There was a large bird, perhaps a parrot or toucan, in a cage that was obviously too small, on the balcony of the apartment building next door.

All day, this bird sent out a single whistle, which I took to mean, "Is anyone there?"

One day, I repeated the whistle back to him. It was easy to reproduce and I did it accurately.

The bird immediately perked up, shifted around on its perch, sat up straight, turned its head around in both directions, and issued a different whistle which I had never heard before.

I duplicated that whistle, and the bird looked confused. It tilted its head, shifted around, then issued the second whistle again.

I repeated it.

The bird settled down, and went back to issuing the first whistle.

So what happened here?

Clearly, if the first whistle meant "Is anyone there?", the second whistle meant "I am here, who are you?" and it should have been followed by a third whistle, which I did not know.

This is similar to the "discovery protocol" used in computer communications, for example with Bluetooth and Wi-Fi devices. An initial signal, called "Attention" in computer-speak, is followed by an "Acknowledgement", and then a "Begin Transmission". This is also termed a "handshake".

When communicating with the parrot, the handshake failed as I did not provide the correct third whistle, and the bird realized that I was not another parrot.

Getting back to the crow, it did not do what the parrot did, that is, issue a single sound repeatedly. It was clearly speaking different sentences for a long period of time, ten minutes, without repeating itself, as far as I could tell.

In Australia, some crows in the Northern Territory have figured out how to eat cane toads, which have two poisonous sacs behind the head. Normally, anything that eats a cane toad dies. Because of this, cane toads have spread southwards and have now reached Sydney. But the crows near Darwin have figured out that if they flip the toad onto its back, they can eat the cane toad by going through the stomach.

Amazing birds, crows. I never realized before today that they spoke a version of Thai. I wrote Speak Easy Thai to help people learn Thai; maybe I should write a Speak Easy Crow.

Sphere: Related Content

Learning to Speak Thai

The main problem with learning to speak Thai is that the basis of the language is not European-based. English and the other Euro languages have Latin, Greek, Viking, etc., roots; Thai does not, so you have to memorize hundreds, if not thousands, of strange and unrelated sounds. This is difficult, unless you use some sort of memory trigger.

Speak Easy Thai is a low-cost (about US$25) CD-ROM that helps solve this problem by presenting a picture and a sound file; all words are spoken by a native Thai speaker, so you hear the correct tone.

If you see a Thai word printed in a book, such as a travel guide, chances are you will not remember the word because there is nothing to hang your hat on.

But when you see a picture of something and hear it spoken properly in Thai, your brain will find it much easier to remember the word because it seems to set up more associations (hypertext links, if you will) in your brain.

It’s a fact that most people learn better visually and aurally than they do by simply reading and trying to memorize. This is, in fact, how children learn. They hear the words spoken by adults and other children, and repeat them. Young children learn to speak a language well before they can read.

Thai uses its own alphabet, rather than pictograms like Chinese, which makes it much easier to learn than Chinese. You just have to get over the hump of reading the Thai characters. The alphabet contains the same letters as English, but they are drawn differently. For example, all the common consonants and vowels exist in Thai, but a Thai G (or P or M) does not look like an English G (or P or M).

But the best part of learning Thai is the grammar, believe it or not, because there is very little to learn. There are no, absolutely NO verb conjugations, which will please anyone who has ever tried to learn one of the Latin-based languages like French, Italian, and Spanish. Future tense is handled with "ja", meaning "will", or by adding an adverb of time, like "tomorrow". Past tense is handled by putting "already" at the end, or by adding an adverb of time, like "yesterday". For example, instead of saying, "I went to the market", you use the present tense ("go") but add "already" at the end, as in "I go market already". Easy peasy.

Also, adjectives do not change form, you don’t have to worry about the sex of a noun because all nouns are neuter. Adjectives always follow the noun, without exception; you say "house big" rather than "big house".

General plurals are done by doubling the noun: "house house" instead of "houses". Specific plurals use the same construction we use in English for groups, as in "The farmer has three head of cattle". You can’t say "I have three children" in Thai, you must say "I have child three person"; "child" is the noun, "person" is the group word, also known as a "classifier".

Adverbs are easy too, no variations. You can add emphasis by doubling the adverb: "He runs quickly quickly".

The most difficult part of learning Thai is that it is a tonal language. English uses tones on sentences. Compare these three statements:

"You’re going to the party."
"You’re going to the party?"
"You’re going to the party!"

They all use the same English words, but the tone (flat, rising, falling, respectively) gives an entirely different meaning to each sentence.

Thai uses tones on words, but not on sentences. For example, "seu-ah" spoken with a flat (mid-range) tone means "clothing"; "seu-ah" spoken with a rising tone means "tiger". So you must be careful to learn the correct tone for each word, otherwise you might be saying "my tiger is dirty" when what you meant is "my clothing is dirty". There is no doubt that this is the hardest part of learning Thai, and the only way to learn the correct tone is to listen to a native Thai speaker saying the word. Sphere: Related Content

How the Computer Moves the Arrow on your Screen

Go here:

http://www.1-click.jp/

It takes a minute or two to load. Then move your mouse cursor over the screen.

Try moving the mouse quickly, and then pausing.

Try clicking, too.

Sphere: Related Content

New Photography Blog

I have started a digital photography blog at http://dougs-photography.info/WordPress/
which will contain tips and techniques for choosing a digital camera, photo printer, taking photos, and making money by selling your photos.

Check it out. Sphere: Related Content

Hardware Problems

The girls at Thai Culture Publishing have been having a hard time lately, as one of their computers started acting strangely, constantly rebooting during the initial loading of Windows.

This is a sign of the Blaster worm, among other things, so I decided the best way to fix this would be to remove the drive, put it in an external box, and run a virus scan on it.

However, I am in Ottawa, Canada, not Bangkok. So I told Pad to go the next day and buy an external drive box for a 2.5" disk drive at Pantip or Fortunetown.

Next day, she told me via MSN Messenger video conference that she now had a box. Now the challenge became the removal of the drive from the laptop chassis.

Pad is not knowledgable about hardware, and her English comprehension is not 100% yet, having essentially taught herself English in the last 12 months or so. She has trouble understanding the difference between "in" and "on", for example. I told her to unplug the cables and power cord from the laptop, turn it upside down, and place it on the desk. Seemed like a simple enough command, but I was wrong.

She unplugged the cables and power cord, then picked up the laptop, and opened the top drawer of the desk.

"NO!" I yelled, and she closed the drawer and put the computer back on the desk.

"Pick up the laptop, turn it over, and put it ON the desk upside down."

She opened the top drawer again.

"No, Pad," I said, "ON the desk, not IN the desk."

Finally she understood, "Oh, OK, Doug, now I understan'," and she put the computer on the desk right side up.

"Now flip it upside down, Pad." And she did.

OK, first step accomplished.

Then I told her to look at the bottom of the laptop case, and look for the icon of the hard disk drive. These icons are impressed into the plastic, and there are five of them, for memory, CPU, hard drive, battery, and modem.

She said, "OK, I find it already." She then used a small screw driver and undid the Philips screw, then could not get the cover off. Her husband, Gen, came over to help, picked up another screwdriver and started removing the screws that hold the case together.

"NO!" I yelled, "Gen, yud! Yud!"

He stopped, and I told Pad not to let him undo any more screws, it was just the one for the hard disk cover that we wanted. So then they tried to pry the cover off, and suddenly it popped off, landing on the desk.

"OK, Doug, finiss."

Great, except I could see in the web cam video that this was the memory, not the hard drive. So I told her that, and said, "Put the cover back on and look for the icon of the hard drive."

It took 3 or 4 minutes to fit the cover back in ("Difficul', Doug") and screw it in. Finally she went looking for the hard drive icon.

"OK, Doug, I see it."

Once more attacking it with the small screwdriver, she undid the screw, and popped off the cover, and there was the CPU exposed. Sigh.

One more round and she found the hard drive.

To make a long story longer, she finally got the hard drive out and installed in the external disk box. While she was assembling the box, I asked her, "Sanuk, mai?" (Is this fun?)

"Chai, Doug, now I like boy."

Next day she took the laptop back to the office and the girls succeeded in installing Windows, which is quite difficult for people who can't read English all that well.

As a result of this episode, I have added a section to the Windows Stupidities site to tell people to uncheck the option for automatic restart on error. It's called My System Continuously Reboots, and is located near the bottom of the contents menu. Sphere: Related Content

Resources to Learn English

I have been researching English learning resources lately, as I have some Thai friends who need some help. I have consolidated what I have learned so far here:

http://www.ebooks-international.com/Languages/LearnEnglish.html

The Thai people I know fall into two categories, as far as education goes: those with a university or college education, and those who quit school at age 10 or so and had to work.

Some of the brightest people I have ever met have only 4 years of schooling. They can add and subtract but cannot multiply or divide and do not understand fractions, decimals, and percentages. One lady (age 29 with two children and two ex-husbands) that I know well was a waitress a year ago. In the past year, she has taught herself English, how to use a computer, and how to run a business with several employees and a half a dozen major customers.

Another lady took 2 years at a technical college, financed by a government student loan. She created a multi-page web site using Notepad to code raw HTML. That's not something I would do, it's too difficult. When I asked her why, she said she wanted to understand exactly how HTML worked.

However, none of these people speak English very well. The university-educated can read better than the others, but they invariably write poorly and often speak poorly.

Hence my research. Hopefully it will benefit you or someone you know. Sphere: Related Content

I found this article very interesting, as I have done some research on car auctions:

Most Expensive Ferrari Ever Sold

by Mike Bartley

The popularity of the Ferrari is known the world over. The Italian carmaker is known not only for building good looking cars with high performance but also for the price that these vehicles fetch. In fact the company's cheapest model has a base price of $150,000. When it comes to expensive cars, Ferrari just set a record for the most expensive Ferrari ever sold.

The sale came at an auction held in the marque's Italian assembly facility. Hosting the auction are the Canada-based RM Auctions Inc. and the trusted Sotheby's. The auction saw 33 classic Ferraris being auctioned off. The most expensive of the lot is the 1962 TRI/LM Testa Rossa Spyder. The said classic race car fetched a price of 6,875,000 euros or about $9.275 million. While the car became the most expensive Ferrari ever sold, it is not the most expensive car sold in an auction. That distinction belongs to a 1931 Bugatti Type 41 Royal Sports Coupe which was sold for $11 million.

The Testa Rossa Spyder is said to be the world's most famous race car since it was used by Ferrari in the 24-hour Le Mans. The dominance of the car of the said prestigious racing event spanned from the late 1950s to the early 60s. The car sold at the auction for the record price is the last of its kind which is one reason why the price reached more than $9 million. The particular model is the last Ferrari race car to have its engine in the front and it was driven by Phil Hil and Oliver Glendebien at the Le Mans in 1962. Aside from that particular car, the auction also sold classic Ferrari cars which earned the Italian car manufacturer more than $46 million.

Other Ferrari cars sold during the auction, which would put to shame any production vehicle even if equipped with Kleen Wheels accessories, includes a 1953 Ferrari 340/375 MM Berlinetta Competizione which fetched a price of 4,235,000 euros. The said classic Ferrari is the second most expensive Ferrari sold during the auction. Another classic car sold at the public sale is a 1970 Ferrari 512 S which was sold for 2,640,000 euros. A 1953 Ferrari 340 MM Competition Spyder was sold at the auction for the price of 2,310,000 euros. Another Ferrari classic which was sold at the auction is a 1966 Ferrari Dino 206 SP which was sold for a whopping 2,420,000 euros. Another expensive Ferrari car sold is the 2003 Ferrari F2003-GA Formula 1 Grand Prix Car which was driven by Michael Schumacher during his stint with Scuderia Ferrari. The car was sold for 1,540,000 euros or almost $2 million.

Of the 33 cars that were auctioned, only one car was not sold and it was a 1987 Ferrari F40 Prototipo.

Aside from the mentioned cars, Ferrari also auctioned off different car-related merchandise like a 2005 Ferrari steering wheel which was sold for $85,000. Compare that to a brand new Chevy Aveo which has a starting price of $9,455 and you will see how expensive Ferraris are. The Italian car manufacturer also auctioned off a 2004 V10 engine which was sold at $62,000. A matching 2004 engine cover was also sold at the auction which fetched a price of $12,500. An autographed Schumacher helmet was sold for $30,000 while a racing suit worn by the German Formula One driver fetched a price of $28,000. Current Ferrari Formula One driver Kimi Raikkonen's racing suit was also auctioned off and was sold for $8,500. And perhaps the oddest things auctioned off were a set of Felipe Massa's under-clothes which was sold for $775.

About the Author
Mike Bartley, 49, is a professional automotive journalist domiciled in Irvine, CA. He travels from one state to another to cover the hottest auto shows, racing events and automotive revelations. His penned compositions cover press releases, reviews, and suggestions. Where the auto action is, that's exactly where you can find Mike.

* * * *

For more information on Car Auctions, go to http://www.maximize-income.com/Auctions-Cars/ Sphere: Related Content

Software Testing

For many years before I retired, I was involved in software testing and quality assurance of software applications. Frequently, I was the manager of a test team of 5 to 8 people. I have now put my experiences into a web site, called QA and Software Testing Concepts, which also has basic definitions, as well as some jokes and true stories about failed testing. Sphere: Related Content

Help with Learning Photography

Here is a good place to learn about digital photography: how to take portrait photos of babies, children, old people, etc. How to take killer landscape photos, travel photography, how to sell your pictures, how to take nude photos and glamour photos.

http://www.photography-help.biz/

Sphere: Related Content

Britain is Repossessing the USA

I received the following e-mail today from a friend in Australia; supposedly, the original was written by John Cleese.

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise".

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen".

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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Holden Monaro's are also approved.

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8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

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10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call "French fries" are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling "potato chips" are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also a British Colony, see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnu's Urine", so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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13. You will cease playing "American" football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby; the Aussies and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

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14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Aussies first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only he can.

John Cleese

Sphere: Related Content

One Comment on the Latest US Massacre

One article I read, which mentioned that the issue of gun control may arise yet again, had a quote from a pro-gun organisation saying that if everyone had been armed, the shooter would have been stopped at the beginning of his rampage and fatalities would have been far less. While that's probably true, the guy should not have had a gun in the first place.

In Australia, about 10 years ago, a mentally deranged guy shot and killed more than 30 people at a tourist park in Tasmania. The country was horrified, just like in the US.

Unlike the US, the Australian government immediately implemented a real gun control act, and instituted a gun buy-back scheme. A few farmers and hunters immediately wrapped their oiled AK-47s in plastic and buried them, but thousands and thousands of guns were taken off the street and crushed.

Guns are not outlawed in Australia; they can still be bought, but you need a permit and you have to take a safety test. But it is a fact that crimes involving guns have been reduced.

However, there is a large and growing violent criminal element in Australia, especially in the suburbs of Sydney and Melbourne. Most of these criminals appear to be young men from SE Asia (principally Vietnam), Arab countries (Lebanon and Syria), and the Balkans. They form gangs of men of the same nationality; these people seem to have no problem whatsoever getting guns and having shootouts.

When my wife and I sold everything and left Canada in 93, one of the eastern US states passed a gun control law just before we left Ottawa. That law prevented anyone from buying more than 5 hand guns in a week. That's the American idea of gun control. Sphere: Related Content

Worth Looking At

Predictions of the Year 2000
from The Ladies Home Journal of December 1900

Sphere: Related Content

Busy Lately

I haven't posted much lately, mostly because I am running out of time. I ran out of money many months ago, and have been borrowing money from a bank in Canada to keep me and Thai Culture Publishing afloat. It's a new company and isn't profitable yet. I figured it would take a year.

Things weren't helped by one of the founders deciding her ex-boyfriend needed money more than the company did and embezzling more than 50,000 baht. What hurts is that I treated this girl as a daughter, as she was pregnant, and didn't want to tell her aged father. I gave her free room and board for three months, bought her a baby bed and other baby needs, and generally acted as her substitute father, and she paid me back by stealing money. "No good deed shall remain unpunished" is very true.

She also hurt the start-up of Thai Culture Publishing, as she did this in the first few months after the company was formed last July. We lost three months as well as the money. We started over again in September, with a new partnership, and had to pay the start-up expenses all over again, including new CDs and new packaging.

The good news is that the new Managing Director, Kanokporn Boonjan, has proved to be an excellent choice: highly motivated, eager to make this a success, and good at marketing besides. The company is a limited partnership, owned by three Thai people; I am neither a shareholder nor partner, I am merely their mentor: Ajarn Doug

In any case, I have to return to Canada and get a job somewhere, anywhere, just to make some money to pay down the bank loan and continue supporting the company until it's on its feet. The company is making progress; they have sold more than 500 CDs now, but have only been paid for 60 or 70 because the big book distributors here act like elephants on the sidewalk, treating small suppliers very badly. Thai Culture Publishing is coming close to breaking even this month (April), and may break even or make a small profit in May.

So around May 8 or so, I will be on my way back to Ottawa, a 36 hour trip, which I will probably break up with a couple of hotel stays in Seoul and Vancouver.

In the meantime, I have pretty much abandoned Thai software development, and have been working feverishly, 18 hours a day, on web sites and Internet marketing. The Thai Culture Publishing site now has half a dozen products listed. I have also set up an Alzheimer's site, an eBooks site, and a Windows Stupidities site, all of which will hopefully generate some additional income in the long run.

In the short run, I have been experimenting with various advertising and promotional techniques to try and generate some immediate cash, but so far I have spent a lot of money for very little gain. Sigh.

This is a particularly stupid time to leave as we are finishing the development of Speak Easy Isaan Lao and Tricky Dictionary Thingy. The goal is to get these out the door before I go, but I am not sure that's possible. If the book distributors take these up, they will generate money 4 or 5 months from now.

I have repackaged Speak Easy Thai into a subset, about 120MB, that can be downloaded as a free trial. As of today, 68 people have downloaded the trial. One person subsequently unsubscribed from the mailing list. I sent out an e-mail suggesting people donate US$25 to get the bonus files; one person did, and 66 people didn't. So what does that mean?

The program works but is crippled without the extra sound files and images. So either people aren't using it, or found it too complicated, or aren't motivated enough about learning Thai to actually pay money to do it. Sigh. If 20 people had donated, I could have paid the bank this month and would not have had to return to Canada. Such is life. Sphere: Related Content

Alzheimer's

The mother of a friend died recently, quite suddenly, after taking medicine to improve her memory, as she was suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. My own mother will be 90 in mid-May, and is becoming forgetful herself.

So these two things suddenly motivated me and I spent 4 or 5 days creating an Alzheimer's web site. You can see it here.

At the moment, it's mostly a framework, with only a small amount of content, but I will add to it over the next year or so. I spent a lot of time researching Alzheimer's drugs, which I knew nothing about a week ago, and compiled a comprehensive chart. However, it was too complicated. So I simplified it down to what you now see on the web site, with links to the manufacturer's or distributor's information. Sphere: Related Content

Thailand Travel Dictionary

I met with a Belgian named Yves Masure yesterday, along with Kanokporn Boonjan, the Managing Director of Thai Culture Publishing. Yves has been working on an encyclopedic reference or guide to Thailand and Thai culture for 9 years, and produced a CD-ROM and web site called THAILEX. It's now in its fourth incarnation.

Yves demonstrated his CD; it's pretty good, very impressive, has lots of stuff I not only didn't know, but have never heard of.

The information is primarily arranged like a dictionary or encyclopedia, in alphabetical order. There are several indexes, including a photo index. There are hundreds of photos.

But here's the kicker: there are actually 3 guides on the same CD, as he has the same information in English, Dutch, and Thai. Yves is fluent in Thai and did all the translation himself. So if you have a Thai partner, both can make use of the CD.

Kanokporn and Yves came to an agreement, so Thai Culture Publishing is now acting as his agent to distribute the CD within Thailand and via the Internet to the world.

You can see it here. Sphere: Related Content

Names can be a problem in Sweden

I read on the BBC news site today about a family who named their child "Metallica", and had the name rejected by government authorities.

"The name Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 - pronounced Albin - was also rejected by authorities in 1996. The boy's parents had chosen the name as a protest against Swedish naming laws."

I dunno, I kind of like the name Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116. But the kid would probably never find his name on one of those name plaques you see in various stores. Our daughter, Inika, used to look for her name and never found hers either.

The article is here.

Sphere: Related Content

Cane Toad Program in my old Neighbourhood in Australia

In Australia, cane toads are a problem. They were originally imported from Brazil and released in the north about 50 or 60 years ago, I think, to combat sugar cane beetle. The problem is, they contain two sacs behind the head which contain a poison deadly to just about everything. If a dog eats the cane toad, that toad dies, but so does the dog. Ditto with snakes, lizards, and most birds. One species of large black crow, however, has figured out that they can flip the cane toad over and rip its guts out and eat them. This is the only bird that can handle a cane toad. To a human, the cane toad poison is not deadly, but can make you very sick.

Cane toads eat smaller toads and frogs, fish, insects, etc. Maybe small snakes, too, I dunno. They tend to wipe out the local frog and normal toad population.

So cane toads have been breeding and breeding and breeding virtually with nothing stopping them. They look like regular warty toads, but much bigger. Recently a huge one weighing several pounds and more than a foot long was caught, so they are getting bigger, too.

They are gradually pushing down from the north, and have now reached Sydney.

Some people play “cane toad golf” when they find one, whacking it with a golf club. Some people douse them with a flammable substance, like BBQ starter, and have a cane toad bonfire. Many people, though, think those methods are too cruel. We just pushed it into a plastic bag, then tied the bag tight and stuck it in the freezer. You leave it overnight. The toad gets lethargic, then goes to sleep, then dies from hypothermia. Just like a Canadian in the wilderness. In the morning, you have a “toadsicle” or “toadcube” which you can toss in the rubbish.

They are in my former neighbourhood of Carindale in Brisbane, but one man there has started a “toad watch” and is doing something about it. Read about it here:
Courier Mail article Sphere: Related Content

One Reason I No Longer Live in Canada

Note from my brother that arrived today:

Today I had to take [my daughter] Joanna to Waterloo for an interview; it was snowy and really windy when we set out. Things weren't too bad, though, so we kept going.

Got to the Guelph area and got into some really bad white-out conditions and the highway we were on was closed. Got to Waterloo eventually, passing numerous accidents, rollovers, cars in ditch, etc.

Dropped off Joanna.

Now I am faced with driving back through the same conditions. Probably should have just stayed there in a motel, but same forecast for tomorrow and Highway 7 hadn't been too bad so I decided to change route and come back that way.

Got to Kitchener and heard that Highway 7 was closed plus about a million other roads, including all the major ones that lead to [my home in] Alliston. Whiteouts are getting worse, lasting for ten or fifteen seconds; nowhere to stop.

Eventually the inevitable happens and I end up in a snowbank in the middle of a whiteout; turns out I crossed the road and went off the left side. I was lucky no car was coming towards me or I would have had a head-on.

After some time standing in a howling blizzard, I was able to flag down a plow, and he called a towtruck. 75 minutes and $84 later, I was on my way, no damage to me or the car.

I am still two hours from home. I am in the middle of nowhere, you understand.

I decide to stop in Erin and get a motel. Can't -- roads leading there are closed.

So, by back roads, I inch my way to Orangeville, passing through more drift covered roads, spending 15 hair-raising minutes (except I don't have any to raise) on a farm road completely covered with ice, passing a jack-knifed tractor trailer (I stopped -- driver ok, help on the way).

Now I am only an hour from home but I know the roads better so the last part is pretty much uneventful. Left at 9, home at 3:10.

I consider myself very lucky indeed. Check out
this article Sphere: Related Content

Hong Kong Foot

I learned a new expression in Thai today: "Hong Kong Foot". Yes, that's the Thai; it refers to what we call in English, "Athlete's Foot", the fungus that grows between your toes. Apparently Athlete's Foot is a major problem in Thailand because practically everyone wears open rubber flip-flops, and there's water everywhere. But I never knew this was called "Hong Kong Foot" in Thai until today. Sphere: Related Content

Loving by the rules

The Culture Ministry [of Thailand] has launched the '10 Commandments of Love' in an attempt to prevent teenagers getting too carried away on Valentine's Day. They are:

1. Love with patience, so as not to become a premature parent

2. Truly love only one person

3. Love with mercy, trying not to hurt the one you love

4. Carefully love to avoid taking risks that might lead to contracting sexual diseases

5. Love with honour, waiting until the proper time to have sex

6. Love in accordance with custom

7. Love reasonably, not taking sexual advantage of your lover

8. Love permanently, without defaming the one you love

9. Love honestly, believing in your partner

10. Love with understanding, forgiveness and without anger

Culture Minister Khunying Khaisri Sri-aroon said the initiative followed research suggesting that teenagers have premature sex, more than one partner and live together without commitment. "The commandments remind them that real love does not mean sex," she said.

Dr Amornwit Nakhonthap, director of Ramjitti Institute, said society should allow teenagers the space to learn about loving, and the best way to persuade them to be morally upright was to rely on sensible pressure from their peers.

--The Nation 2007-02-12

I read elsewhere that some Thai people are upset that Valentine's Day is observed at all, because it is a western concept, not a part of Thai culture. But I personally have noticed that many Thais, both male and female, think it's a great idea, and do give gifts and/or flowers to their honey and to their boss and friends. It seems to be more of a "day of honour and respect" than a "day of love". Sphere: Related Content

A Frustrating Buddy

I have Buddy Broadband at my room, which requires a monthly top-up of 650 baht. I called their telephone line, and got a recording that gave several menu options. Eventually, I got to the Payment Options section, one of which is credit card. However, they don't actually allow you to enter a credit card number, they just tell you that you can do it. Not exactly useful.

They also say you can pay via the TV set (they offer IP TV) or the web site.

My IP-enabled TV just showed a screen with the words "Buddy Broadband", but would not do anything at all.

The web site did not respond, although every other site I tried did.

So I figured their web server was down and called their call centre. After a very long wait, a Thai girl who sounded like she was in her twenties, answered and asked me what my problem was.

I told her that I could not connect to the Buddy Broadband web site to pay my bill, but had no problem connecting to all other sites, like the BBC and CNN. I asked her if their web site was down.

She didn't give me a straight answer. Instead, she said, "Click on toon".

"What?" I asked.

"Click on toon."

"What's that?"

She said, "At de top of de skene, you haff fine, edit, few, favorite, and toon. Click on toon."

"Oh," I said, suddenly understanding, "you mean in Internet Explorer?"

"Yes," she said, "click on toon."

So I started up IE7, then clicked on Tools.

"Then click on Internet option."

Anyway, to make this shaggy dog story shorter, she walked me through clearing the Internet Explorer cache, cookies, etc. I told her I was using Firefox, and that I could access all web sites except Buddy's, but it seems she only knew how to do one thing. She obviously had very limited training.

Of course, after going through her gyrations, I still could not access the web site. I told her to tell her boss that the web server was down and someone should fix it, and then said goodbye.

Eight hours later, I tried again, the web site was back up, and I paid my bill.

I have had a similar experience with another Thai company, Thai Epay, which processes orders by credit card for Thai Culture Publishing. Poor training, little knowledge of anything, and relatively poor English skills or understanding of actual problems. It's frustrating for the customer, and gives a very poor impression of Thai expertise; it must also be frustrating for the poor call centre people, who must realise that they are giving poor service. Sphere: Related Content

All Lies

From ThaiVisa.com:

How does a Thai person pronounce the following English words?

Q: right, rice, light, lie, like, lice, life, ripe, rhyme, line, ride, rite, rife, rise, wry, lime, rye

A: lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie .... stiwpid langwit!! Sphere: Related Content

Wrapping Presents the Thai Way

Yesterday Thai Culture Publishing got a big order for the Speak Easy Thai CD-ROM from a large distributor. They had been working on this for four months, so were pretty happy when the order arrived by e-mail.

However, there were 92 separate purchase orders, and each order had to be packaged separately, with a delivery page and invoice attached. So the girls started wrapping the orders. I just happened to be there at the time.

The company is small and doesn't have a table, but this doesn't faze the girls there, they just spread everything over the floor: CDs, wrapping paper, and string were spread everywhere.

Each order was for 3 to 5 CD-ROMs, which are packaged individually in DVD cases. One of the girls stacked 5 cases, then wrapped brown paper around them, then put Scotch tape along the join. Then she sort of bunched up the overhanging paper at the ends, and stuck more tape on the two lumps. I looked at the other girl, and she was doing exactly the same thing.

Now one girl is 29 and the other 21, and yet it was obvious that neither knew how to wrap a present. So I called a halt and showed them how to cut the paper so it was less than the height of the stack, then tuck the ends in neatly, making a triangle, then folding down both sides and taping the triangle.

Neither had seen this before and thought it was a good trick. Another case of Western culture overwhelming Thai culture, eh? Sphere: Related Content

Cultural Differences

I use MSN Messenger to keep in touch with friends around the world. My assistants also use it.

I usually put a subtitle under my name, saying what project I am working on, or naming the current Thai holiday, whatever. One day I put "In hot and steamy Bangkok" because it was 33 degrees C outside and 90% humidity.

Shortly thereafter, one of my assistants started crying.

I went out to see what was wrong, but she wouldn't talk to me.

I asked my other assistant why the girl was crying. She asked her, and then said, "You said you are having sex everywhere."

What the hell?

"When did I do that?"

"On Messenger."

It turns out the crying girl did not understand the word "steamy", so she looked it up in our dictionary. Apparently, one of the meanings in Thai referred to "steamy sex", so she assumed I meant I was having sex with my assistants and everyone else.

Sigh.

So I apologised, said, "No, I meant the weather was hot like in a hot shower," and then I went and changed the Messenger text. Sphere: Related Content

On Construction Standards

The new subway, opened in mid 2005, is first class, very well designed and very efficient. On a scale of one to five, I give it five stars. The stations are wide, escalators are fast, trains are fast and clean and bright. And it's not expensive to take a trip anywhere.

The SkyTrain, built a few years ago, is efficient, but not as well designed. There are only 3 cars in the trains, although the stations can handle 5 or 6 cars, so the cars are always overcrowded. Worse, there is typically only one escalator, so there is always a mad crush. On a scale of one to five, I give it two stars.

Bangkok's sidewalks are dreadful. Most are a haphazard collection of mismatched concrete and tiles, difficult to walk on. Cracks and holes are everywhere. Sewer covers are frequently damaged and have gaping holes. Occasionally I see new construction where a sidewalk has been torn up for some reason and replaced; the new work is very sloppy, uneven, hard to distinguish from the old.

I find it incredible that a country that can produce such an amazing subway cannot build a flat sidewalk.

Sphere: Related Content

In a German Restaurant

One night, I and my two assistants were sitting in a German restaurant near my place, when there was a funny kind of HONK! at the door. It was a baby elephant, poking his head inside. His handler was selling food, probably sugar cane, to feed the elephant. This doesn't happen very often to me in restaurants in Canada or Australia, but here in Thailand, it is not unusual.

Expect the unexpected. Sphere: Related Content

Ritual at Bar in Nana Entertainment Plaza

Near where I live is the multi-storey, slightly sleazy Nana Entertainment Plaza, which has many licenced bars.

Almost all of the 30 or 35 bars or clubs have a standard bar with stools, bartender, and a mirror behind the bartender, just like any other bar in the world. They also have a carousel (some have two) in the centre of the floor, and three rows of bench-type seats, successively higher, more or less in a semi-circle around the central floor area with the carousel.

The carousel holds about 10 or 12 girls, who dance, mostly lethargically, occasionally energetically, to annoying music, as the carousel turns slowly. After 15 minutes or so, the DJ calls out something (probably "All change!") in Thai, and the girls on the carousel descend and put on a T-shirt and jeans, or a uniform peculiar to that bar, and another set of girls strips to their bikinis and gets up on the carousel.

Nudity is forbidden, the girls must wear bikinis, and they can't be too revealing.

One evening, I happened to be walking around Nana just before 7PM, which is when the bars and clubs open. At one bar, the interior lights had just been switched on, and there were a half dozen beautiful bar girls standing around chatting.

One girl took some jasmine necklace wreaths and a wooden bat, about the size and shape of a milk bottle (probably the wooden pestle used to make som tam, the spicy papaya salad), and rapped it twice on one of the vertical wooden poles holding up the floor above. She gave one wreath to one of the girl dancers. She rapped on two more poles, then moved to the doorway. She ran the bat up one side, across the top, and down the other side of the doorway. Then she rapped it twice on the floor inside in front of the doorway. She held a shiny metal pot filled with water, and poured water over the bat, then rapped it twice on the floor again. She put the pot aside. She hung a jasmine wreath on a hook by the door.

She moved back into the club, and walked around stopping often. She squatted down, rapped the bat twice on the floor, then stood up and moved on. She did this 6 or 7 times around the floor of the club. I couldn't see any particular difference in the floor at the spots where she rapped.

She then walked around the carousel and rapped each brass pole twice.

At the end, she gave her final wreath to another dancer.

Sphere: Related Content

Why I Feel Old

I was talking to a beautiful young girl in a bar at Nana, which is near my apartment. "How old are you?" I asked.

"Twenny foh," she replied, "how ole you?"

"Fifty-nine," I said.

"Oh," she said, "same same father me."

Sphere: Related Content

Fear of Goats

Two of my assistants often sleep over in my apartment, one in the second bedroom, the other on the sofa. They both sleep with a light on. I asked why.

"Because of goat," said Kik.

"Goat?" I asked.

"Yes, at night goats come."

OK, I believe that. Sure, uh huh.

Sphere: Related Content

Songkran Adventure: Thailand’s New Year Water Festival

April is Songkran, the Thai New Year. Thai people celebrate three new years every year: the standard Gregorian one at January 1, Chinese New Year, and Thai New Year. Did I mention that Thai people like to have fun?

Songkran is also known in English as “The Water Festival”. In the Buddhist temples, priests conduct ceremonies pouring water over people’s hands while chanting a prayer.

On the streets, however, is where all the action is.

Tuesday

Today, my Thai assistant and I were out and about looking at hotel rooms, as my lease is up tomorrow and I have been looking for a smaller, cheaper place. We looked at four today alone, and that brings us up to 9 or 10 (I forget exactly) over the last week or so, plus innumerable phone calls.

While walking out of the parking lot of one hotel, I was suddenly splashed with water, and I don’t mean a sprinkle, I mean a bucketful. I was shocked, of course, and then quickly realized that it being Songkran, I should have known better. My Thai assistant also got pretty wet. We walked about 20 or 30 feet, and all of a sudden, wham! Another bucket of water. Now the only thing you can do is laugh and try and wipe the water out of your eyes before it happens again.

We stood in the lobby of another hotel, and as it happens, there was a group of about 8 young people about 20 feet away, laughing hilariously, each armed with a bucket, a big pot, or a water gun. All of them were in their 20s, not kids, and all were soaking wet. Two were women, the rest guys. The women were wearing identical purple sarongs, and looked like hotel employees. They were standing on the sidewalk, watching the street. Whenever a motorcycle came by, they flagged it down, and doused the rider and passenger. Same thing for the 3-wheeled open taxis (tuk-tuks). All were drenched. Occasionally, a pickup truck (“ute” for you Aussies) would come by, filled with young people in the back. The trucks always stopped in front of the group, and they sprayed each other. Each person in the back of the truck was armed with something to throw water with, or squirt with. In one truck, there were 15 people, ranging from about 6 to 26, in the back. After a couple of minutes, the truck moved on, looking for another group.

This goes on all day, every day, for about 5 days, I think. This is the first day.

I saw one young woman who had two large, yellow water tanks on her back, and a hose leading to a huge plastic water gun which she held with two hands. In my day, a water pistol was a little black plastic thing that you had to refill every minute. Not these babies, though, she was easily carrying 10 litres of water.

As we were watching safely out the window, an elderly Muslim man with long white beard, white robe, and white cap walked by. Nobody squirted him.

Then an older Thai lady pushing a food cart walked slowly by, pushing her heavy cart, which has two large bicycle wheels, and two smaller wheels. She was already wet. She eyed this group warily, and sure enough, the two women squirted her.

I left the safety of the hotel lobby and dashed across the street to an ATM machine, where I got some more money. My ATM card, which had been in my wallet, was wet, but the machine accepted it anyway. After I got my money, I put the receipt and money in my pocket, and turned around. I noticed two young women, again in their early twenties, on the fourth floor of the building across the street with a big tub of water and a couple of saucepans, and they were letting fly at anything appropriate 40 feet below.

Just then two dark skinned men walked by the group, and they got squirted. I noticed there were a number of Arabic signs on the buildings, and realized they must be Arabs, although they were not wearing traditional jelabas, they were wearing Western clothes. They got squirted, not badly, but got angry, and yelled at the group of Thais. So of course they got squirted again. One of the Arab men then ran quickly out of range, but the other turned his back, obviously very angry, and walked stiffly away. So naturally, the Thais squirted him again.

And I was thinking, “How dumb can you be?” You come to a foreign country where the customs are totally different, and you get angry with the locals because they are following their traditions.

My assistant and I walked up the street, heading for the Skytrain station. We had to pass by another group of young people, and I discovered another part of the ritual. I had noticed that many taxis and cars were smeared with something white, which I first thought was bird poop, and then, since I saw so much of it, thought must be paint or flour. Wrong. Turns out it’s a fine white clay powder, and it’s smeared on your face for good luck.

As we walked into this second group, one of the teenage girls tried to smear the clay powder on my face. This is after four others had each thrown a bucket of water at me. Everyone was laughing and giggling and having a grand time. A fifteen year old girl reached for my face, with her hand covered in this white goop. I quickly grabbed her hand, and moved it around in front of her face, and she squealed and laughed and backed away quickly.

Then I got another bucket of water from the rear, drenching my backpack and my rear end.

We walked on, and yet another group doused us.

At this point, being a normal male, I noticed yet another cultural difference. If this had been North America or Australia, all of the girls would have been wearing T-shirts, and none would have worn a bra. A huge wet T-shirt contest. Not so in Thailand. Everyone was appropriately dressed for a normal day out, and every one of the Thai women wore a bra. My assistant, for example, was wearing a business suit, and she knows all about Songkran.

Eventually, we made it to the main street, and my assistant squished her way up the steps to the elevated station. There was a KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) nearby, so I decided to head there, as it was now dinnertime, and I haven’t had an order of Grease and Cold Fries for 7 or 8 months now.

Four of the KFC employees were out front with a big bucket and small pots. All of them were in uniform, and yes, they were dousing everyone.

I entered the restaurant, and immediately started shivering, as the place was air conditioned. Outside, it was 33, but inside it was only 23 or 24. Being completely wet, I was cold. I noticed that there were two employees with mops wiping the floors, and that I was, myself, leaving a trail of water as I squished my way in. I made my way to the counter, where the menu is the usual stuff, plus a few spicier things for the Thais, and ordered my usual three pieces and fries and a Pepsi. I reached for my money, and had difficulty extracting it, as it was all stuck together in a wad in my wet pocket. The ATM receipt was just a blob of pulp.

When I got to my table with the food, I took the wad of money and dried each note with a serviette. Then I opened my wallet; I keep my credit cards and frequent flyer cards and some paper notes in separate plastic pockets. Each card was wet. The water had penetrated into the wallet and into each plastic sleeve. Amazing.

After dinner, I hailed a taxi, and made it back to my hotel without further incident. Once there, I literally wrung the water out of my clothes, and then decided to throw everything in the laundry.

So this is Thailand’s New Year. Sanook mahk! (lots of fun, unless you’re an Arab)

Happy New Year. Now quick, duck!

Thursday

I moved to a new, cheaper hotel, and spent six hours unpacking and setting up three computers and a network, getting the Internet working, etc.

Friday

I spent the whole day programming and by evening was pretty tired. I had a leisurely dinner of Thai food in the coffee shop in the hotel, and then decided that I needed to stretch my legs. Since I was getting short of money, I decided to make a visit to an ATM the evening’s project. I had noticed on a map earlier that Silom, one of the main streets of Bangkok, was apparently within walking distance of my new hotel, so decided to head that-a-way. I knew there would be lots of shops and restaurants and many ATMs there, and so I could stop for a Pepsi somewhere before heading back.

It’s still Songkran, the Thai New Year Water Festival. I read in the Bangkok Post that the festival lasts different lengths of time in different parts of Thailand, varying from three days to five. Friday night was the last night of the Songkran celebrations in Bangkok.

Now at this point, someone should have taken me roughly by the shoulders and pushed me up against the wall, and slapped my face a few times to get my attention. “This. Is. The. Last. Night. Of. A. Five. Day. Water. Festival. Get it?”

Um, well no, not really. I mean, I read the words in the newspaper, but what they implied was lost in translation.

I knew there was a chance I might get wet, so I removed my wallet and didn’t bother with my backpack. I have been carrying around a backpack with a backup hard drive with all my work on it, in case the hotel burns down or collapses in an earthquake while I’m out. (Hey, I was a Boy Scout, and we were taught “Always Be Prepared!”). But on my other excursion, the padded cardboard box protecting my hard drive got pretty soggy, so Friday, I decided to forego the backpack.

I took a business card with the hotel name and address, and my own business card with my name on it (in case someone found my body), my ATM card, and the little money I had (about $16). I took a look at the map, memorizing the streets in this area, then folded the map, and put it in my backpack, which I intentionally left behind. I find that, if you are going to explore a strange city at night, it’s much more sa-nook (fun) without a map, and anyway, being a former Boy Scout, I have an infallible sense of direction.

I made my way out of the hotel, picked up a couple of rocks in case of dogs, and made my way to the main street, a couple of blocks away, where I discarded the rocks. They were unnecessary. The lane I wanted was directly across the street from where I was standing, right next to the Citibank headquarters, according to my map. But there were six lanes of traffic and a canal in between me and it, so I had to walk a couple of blocks to the nearest intersection, where I could take a pedestrian bridge across the road.

Thailand has many catchphrases that have been used throughout the years: “Amazing Thailand”, “Land of Smiles”, and “Expect the Unexpected” come immediately to mind.

I learned years ago that “Expect the Unexpected” applies to all steps in Thailand. In Canada and Australia, you can rely on steps being the same distance apart, and all the same height. Not so in Thailand. Chances are, the step height will be different from what you expect, and there will be at least one or two steps that are either vastly taller or vastly shorter. If you’re not careful, you can fall flat on your face going upstairs (I have done this) as your foot unexpectedly trips on a step that is too tall. Going downstairs, I always hold onto the railing and peer through my bifocals trying to determine in advance whether or not I’m going to break my neck.

In any case, I made it across the bridge, then walked back down the other side of the road until I found the lane next to Citibank, with only two false starts, that turned out to be driveways for other buildings. As I’m standing facing this narrow lane, deciding if I really want to do this at night, a tall foreigner with a German accent asked me if I spoke English. “Yes,” I replied, “I’m from Canada.”

“Do you know where one can eat in a restaurant without getting wet?”

Um, well, as far as I know, you can eat in any restaurant without getting wet. We seemed to be on different wavelengths, so he toddled off one way, and I toddled off down the lane.

Turning the corner, I saw a pickup truck ahead, filled with young people with buckets of water, stopped at the side of the road. Oh, oh, what to do, what to do? I stood in a doorway, hidden from view. A young woman came walking out of a side lane, and looked startled at seeing me hiding in a dark doorway. I pointed at the truck up the street and yelled “Songkran!” and she laughed and walked on. I had the thought that if a young woman was unafraid about walking down a dark lane alone at night, I, a former Boy Scout, could certainly make my way past the truck. So I stepped out, and just at that moment, the truck pulled away.

I walked down the lane, which twisted and curved around, and as I passed by an intersection, another truck came around the corner and I got squirted a couple of times. I walked on, and was about to walk past an apartment building when I heard someone laughing. Looking up, I saw four young men with a big bucket and some pots, so I quickly crossed the road and continued on. I made it to a main street without further incident, and continued walking towards Silom.

Or so I thought.

I was looking for Convent Road, which I knew would take me directly to Silom. I came to an intersection, and the sign said this was Convent Road, but it was not going the way I thought it should go. So, unlike most men, I asked for directions. A young woman came along, and I said “Ta-nohn Silom tee nai?” which means “Road Silom where?” which is how you ask a question in Thai. She pointed down the street, matching what the sign said. So my infallible sense of direction was pointing me 90 degrees off from where it should have pointed; it was pointing this-a-way and it should have been pointing that-a-way. Oh well, seems to me I never did get all my Scout merit badges.

I walked down Convent Road towards Silom, and passed through an area of 4 or 5 restaurants side by side. This is one of the great pleasures of Thailand. The sidewalk was crammed with tables, over 100 people, with barely any room to squeeze through. But the smells are incredible… all that Thai food, cooked right there on the street, just fantastic. I looked inside the restaurants, and they were all empty. Everyone was outside enjoying the atmosphere. I love the smells of Thai food, but I can’t eat the spicy stuff.

I got to Silom finally and was amazed at all the people. There were thousands of people, covering the road. Silom has six lanes with a large median in the centre, which has huge pylons holding up the SkyTrain. There was a single lane of traffic, moving very slowly, mostly pickup trucks filled with people armed with water pistols and buckets and pots of water. The sidewalks and other lanes were filled with people doing the same thing. Loud rock music was playing from several directions.

Oh, now I understand. The last night of a five day water festival. Party time.

I was on the south side of Silom. Where I wanted to be was on the north side, which is where most of the restaurants are and where I knew there were a number of ATMs. The SkyTrain station was right above me, and 50 feet to the right of where I was standing, was a long stairway up to the station. The problem was, there were over a hundred people between me and the stairway, and they were all armed.

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

I slowly made my way through the crowd to the stairway, getting squirted a few times, but not too badly, considering.

I climbed the stairs, didn’t fall on my face, and made it to the platform. Standing there, I had a bird’s eye view of the throngs of people. I moved around a bit, watching from different places, and made my way down the stairs on the north side.

The crowd was thicker on the north side, and I found myself being pushed along by the people as they moved into a side lane en masse. OK, I had no particular destination in mind, so I just went along with the flow.

Forty-one years ago, I happened to be walking along a main street in London, England, at exactly 5PM, when all of a sudden, hundreds of people came rushing at me. It was time to go home from work, and everyone left at the same time, and rushed at me. I got trapped, turned around, and was pushed and prodded until I was running along with them. We went into the Tube entrance, and down three incredibly long old fashioned escalators, until we were 200 feet underground. I got pushed up against a ticket booth, where I had to give some money for a ticket to someplace I knew nothing about, and then pushed onto the platform, and when the train came, pushed into the centre of a carriage. It was three stops before I could force my way out of the train, and then I was faced with the prospect of figuring out what I was going to do 200 feet underground in a huge city I knew nothing about. I still remember that experience 41 years later, but it’s filed under “Fun Things I Have Done”, not “Horrible Experiences I Have Endured”.

Now it was happening again.

The lane was narrow, and there were hundreds of people. Along the sides were lots of young people armed with buckets of water, water pistols, and one guy had a hose, which he squirted on everyone. Within seconds, I was drenched. There was an incredible amount of noise, rock music, people laughing and squealing when they got splashed. I kept my hands on my pockets, protecting my money, as I was pushed and squeezed by people deeper and deeper into the lane.

I was squirted from the side, and the water went into my eyes. I had to put my hands on the side of my face to protect my eyes from all the water.

At one point, I happened to look up and saw, like a freeze frame, a bucketload of water coming at us, a meter above our heads. I ducked, and sure enough, my back was drenched. Then moments later, two more bucketloads hit me from the rear.

Just then, I heard some tall people yelling at each other, saying something like “This is stupid, how will we get out?” I couldn’t see through my glasses, as they were steamed up and all wet, but they were obviously foreigners. The tallest one started bulling his way forward toward the main street, causing the people around me to lose their balance and squeeze even closer together. Now this is a dangerous situation; this is how people get crushed and trampled. Fortunately, it eased up as the crowd adjusted and the bulls made their way out of the lane.

The crush of people eased a little, and something very cold splashed my back. I turned around, and a young guy was scooping ice water out of a big cooler filled with Cokes. I yelled “Nam kaeng!” (ice) at him, and he laughed and said yes, and offered to throw a second bowl of ice water at me. I declined, so he changed his angle slightly and threw it at the back of a young girl who promptly squealed.

At one point, a young guy gave me a fierce hug and yelled “Happy New Year!” in my face from six inches away.

The crowd kept moving forward further into the lane, and I went with them. I knew there was a street parallel to Silom, so I thought I would just go to the end of the lane, and take a taxi home from there, and forget about the ATM for tonight. But as I went further, the crowd stopped moving and I discovered that this particular lane was a dead end. I stood there, looking back at 2000 people, wondering if I had the energy to do that again. Suddenly I got squirted again. I was standing next to a bar with an open door, so I quickly ducked in there and stood dripping in their entrance.

The bar was mostly empty, and loud rock music was playing. I squished and squelched over to the bar, and ordered a Pepsi Cola.

The girl reached for a Sprite and a Coke and made like she was going to pour them together into a glass.

Whoa! Misunderstanding here. I yelled over the music, “No, just Pepsi Cola”.

She held up the Sprite.

“No!” I yelled, “Pepsi!”

She held up the Coke.

I nodded my head, and she poured the Coke into a glass with ice, and brought it to me where I was standing at the bar.

I reached into my pockets for my money and discovered I had no money. Well, I still had some coins and my ATM card and a blob of pulp that in a previous life had been business cards, but the bills were gone. That guy who was hugging me was probably pinning my arms while his light-fingered friend was lifting my money. I never felt a thing.

I pulled out the coins I still had. The drink was 60 baht ($2) but all I had was 40 baht and a few cents. I pushed it at her, and then yelled “Kamoy!” (thief) and showed her I had no more money. She looked uncertain as to what to do, but then made a motion which clearly meant “Give me more money”. I yelled “Kamoy” again, and went through my little pantomime again, then suddenly noticed that the loud rock music I was listening to was Spanish Techno-Rock. And the name of the bar was “Noriega’s”.

Expect the unexpected.

Here I am, standing dripping wet, listening to Spanish Techno-Rock, in a Spanish bar in Thailand, with no money, unable to pay for a drink. How weird is that?

There was a Spanish-looking guy, with a pony-tail, standing near the doorway. Four or five young guys came in, and he stopped them, and asked them in Thai what they wanted. They said they wanted to use the toilet, and he said okay, but he made them leave their guns on the counter. I’m thinking, this is just like a Western movie. The kids put their water pistols on the counter and made their way to the washroom at the back of the bar. After they left, I figured that was a good idea, maybe I could dry off a little, so I went back too, but there were no paper towels and no hand dryers. Sigh.

When I went back to the bar for my drink, I asked the Spanish-looking guy if he was the owner, Noriega. He said, yes, he was, and he had escaped from jail and had a facelift. He has probably told that joke a thousand times, but I laughed. He told me that his father was from Chile and had married a Thai woman, and that he, Noriega, was born in Thailand and spent all his life here. And he didn’t speak Spanish, only Thai and English.

I told him a kamoy had taken my money, and that I didn’t have enough to pay for the drink, and he said that was OK, then reached behind the bar for his wallet, and took out a 100 baht note (about $3) to give to me for a taxi home. I thanked him, declined, and told him I was walking distance away. He then showed me the back door, which led to a parking lot, and said that I could avoid the crush out front by going out that way.

So I did that, but the problem was, that lane lead back to Silom, where there were thousands of people. Sigh.

I stood there, watching the action, and planning my next move. I didn’t want to get caught up in a crush again. As I was watching, a tall, skinny German-looking lady, maybe 65 years old, appeared in front of me and squealed and laughed. Someone had just squirted her in the back. She made her way across the lane in front of me, and someone squirted her again, and she squealed again, so then two more people squirted her.

There were stairs leading to the SkyTrain station, and right near them, an ATM. Only 200 people between me and them. Sigh.

I stepped out onto the sidewalk on Silom, and very shortly, a young man stepped directly in front of me holding a small plastic bowl half-filled with white goop, the clay slurry. He slopped some on both my cheeks and grinned at me; I reached into his bowl and smeared his face, too, and he said “Happy New Year!”. I said “Happy New Year to you too!” and turned slightly and saw a young woman grinning at me. She slopped some goop on my face and I did the same to her, and we exchanged greetings, all of us grinning like maniacs, surrounded by noise and hustle-bustle.

And now I get it. The last night of a five day water festival. Happy New Year.

And I’m thinking about the silly ritual we practice in Western society where everyone wears a party hat and stands around drinking beer or wine until close to midnight, and then everyone counts down from 10 to 1, then kisses the person next to them, and then blows a loud horn. The Thai way is much more sa-nook.

To make a long story longer, I made it to the ATM, climbed the stairs to the station platform without damaging myself, bought a 30 cent ticket, rode one stop, and got off near my hotel. I then discovered two convenience stores that I hadn’t known about, so I stopped and bought a few supplies. Yet another cultural difference: both stores sold milk by the litre, but neither sold large containers of orange juice, only small drinking boxes. But both stores had 8 or 10 kinds of green tea in litre bottles. I passed.

I walked two blocks to my lane, and stopped to pick up a couple of rocks to throw at the dogs, if necessary. It was necessary. As I approached the end of the lane, two dogs came bounding out, barking furiously. Why do they always have to be guard dogs? Why can’t they be guard cats or guard canaries? Maybe because saying “I was attacked by a guard canary” just doesn’t have the same ring.

At home in the hotel, I was shocked when I looked in the mirror. My hair was plastered to my head, my face and neck were covered in clay, my shirt and shorts were dripping wet, and had many clay spots. I could see my nipples and chest hair through the T-shirt. I was a walking wet T-shirt contest

I took a cold shower with all my clothes on. Yet another cultural difference: in Canada, if you have a cold shower, someone would have to call an ambulance and treat you for hypothermia. In Bangkok, a cold shower is actually quite pleasant.

Anyway, I’m a “glass is half full kind of guy”, not a “glass is half empty guy”. Taking stock of the situation, I had a neat adventure, accomplished my goal of getting money from an ATM, went down some roads I hadn’t been before, enjoyed some wonderful smells, got plastered (literally), and discovered a couple of convenience stores conveniently located near my hotel. And all it cost me was $16.

Sa-nook.

Happy New Year.

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